#1854: Losing love

I was once afraid of losing him,

but I'm more afraid of losing Him.

#1853: All part of God's plans

Yesterday I realised that everything was all part of God's plans, and indeed Allah is the best of all planners. The rejection after rejection I faced after a number of job interviews throughout my final semester. My current unemployment. The long wait for the next application period for MOE. The fight after fight in the last few weeks of the relationship. The strengthening of my faith. And to go way, way, back, the bond I've shared with your parents, especially your mum. They were all part of God's plans to show me that you're not the right one for me, and He sent me your mum and reconnected me with a couple of my old friends to help me cope with the pain of being made the perpetrator when clearly I was the victim. It sounded like even your mum thought the things you said didn't make sense or were unreasonable, and that makes me even stronger. 

So you wanna have a secret relationship now? Go ahead and try. Feel how 'fun' it is. You think I enjoyed keeping the relationship a secret, did you? You think it was easy? You think you put in more effort and sacrificed more for the relationship just because you forked out more money? Dude, what you did was spend on me, not invest in me. And that is not what keeps a relationship going.

So for being the stupidest asshole ever that you are, good riddance. If all you want is an arm candy who will be physically there for you, you can have her. I just hope you don't take her for granted like you did to me when I was physically there for you (unless she already knew about us but went on ahead. Then the both of you are perfect for each other and you better pray your children don't meet people like you). You have forgotten, or disregarded, the many times I was physically there for you. I swear one day you'll regret throwing away the spiritual food you need for the arm candy you want. 

In any case, goodbye, good riddance, and you and your stupid immature friends who support you in your childish journey can go f*ck each other.

#1850: Why it wouldn't have worked out with you even if you hadn't cheated on me

I had wanted to leave just a couple of weeks before you dumped me, but you wouldn't let me. You begged me to hold on, to give you another chance. I guess your ego wouldn't be able to handle it if I were the one to leave. And you wanted to keep me as a safety net, a safe option, something for you to fall back on if she didn't clearly reciprocate. But even if you hadn't cheated on me, things probably wouldn't have worked out anyway. So here's a (possibly incomplete) list of reasons why:

1. The recipe for a good relationship is not only love, and neither is it only responsibility. It takes BOTH love and responsibility, as well as a slew of other things such as trust, commitment, communication, etc. I'm not sure how much love you had left for me, but you made it clear that you didn't have everything else. Responsibility? Sure, you fed me, fetched me regularly, etc., but you made it more like a burden than a joy. Trust? I had difficulty trusting you with other girls because you always treated me second after them. You always made me feel like a side chick rather than someone you actually want to keep for the rest of your life. I guess you stopped wanting me some time ago but you just never had the guts to leave or let me go. Commitment? That's a no-brainer. A clear no. Communication? You suddenly said you've had enough of me insulting. I'm not even aware of ever insulting you. You haven't communicate any of that with me. I'll just take it that you regarded my advice as insults and that these are all just EXCUSES for you to betray me and justify your actions. You merely proved my point that you need to grow up, that you're not ready for marriage. Blaming me and, worse, my parents for YOUR mistakes and shortcomings. Bitch, LOOK IN THE DAMN MIRROR FIRST.

2. You can't even lead yourself, so how do you expect to lead a family? You can't handle an independent lady like me, and you asked me to listen to you more. How can I and why should I listen to someone who doesn't have a backbone, who doesn't have principles to stand firm by? 

3. You expect and demand so much from me, but what are you doing to upgrade yourself for me? Many times you've said I have all (or 95%) of the charateristics of your dream girl and that our relationship is perfect, yet you chose to take me for granted countless time, take advantage of me, and treat me worse than shit. Nobody says such sweet things to shit before flushing it down the toilet. But you fed me with such sweet lies while stabbing me in the back. Is this how you treat someone you call your world? I feel so sorry for you for not being able to appreciate the good things in life, and for your new girl for having a boyfriend who mistreats and disrespects women, even the good ones.

4. You have disrespected me since some time ago. Made me do things I didn't want to do. Taken away things from me which I can never get back. You mistreated me and disrespected me. Sure, you didn't abuse me like how some other guys do, like hitting them and so on. Sure, you still fed me and fetched me regularly. But as I've said, I was just a burden to you. Turns out, I'm an obstacle between you and your new girl. 

5. You not only disrespected me for my body, but you also disrespected me feelings. You totally disregarded my jealousy and insecurity, and you kept entertaining other girls more than me anyway. Just look at the last one. Obviously you flirted with her, and obviously you would never admit.

6. You underestimated the sincerity of my love for you. Or at least you simply didn't care. Your so-called love for me was selfish. It wasn't me you loved, but my care and attention, and whatever you could get from me. You squeezed me till I had little left for you because I was in pain. I just could not take it anymore, but you wouldn't let me go. You chose to end things on bad terms rather than do it like a real man and just letting me go while I wanted to do it nicely.

And for all of that, you are the worst person I've ever met and I've got 99 problems less now thanks to you. I have loved you with all my heart, and even loved your family. If that's not enough for you, than nothing will ever be. I'll only pray you won't go into self-destruction, and that's it. I won't pray for the best for you. You should be doing your own prayers. 

#1849: 니가 없어도

I realised something. I'd rather have a boyfriend betray and leave me than have family (parents, siblings, etc.) do that. Even more dreadful, if God turns His back on me because I've sinned. And if a boyfriend blames my family or my constant advice/nagging to be a better Muslim as his excuse to justify his actions, he is so not worth moping over. 

70% done with this shit.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/heidi-priebe/2014/07/why-its-so-hard-to-get-over-a-cheater/

So damn true.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/heidi-priebe/2015/06/read-this-if-theres-someone-you-cant-forgive/?utm_content=buffercf2ae&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

And this explains why I want to forgice you. It's not for your sake, but for mine. Because staying angry will only make me curse you, and that will keep me from becoming the better Muslim I want and need to be. I guess I just need time to move on and forget about this.